I am still among the living and still very much in the struggle. Many things have been going on in my life and I am striving hard to maintain it all. One of the biggest things I have going on right now is my decision to become a vegetarian and one day possibly a vegan. It's a far cry from the low-carb lifestyle I have been on. Eating meat with every meal and sometimes as a meal itself is what my plan has been. There are many sources of protein in the vegetarian/vegan lifestyle. I just need to acclimate myself to them. Milk has never been a favorite of mine – it never agreed with me. I have tried soy milk and I have heard that it’s an acquired taste. That’s definitely true and I don’t know if I can do it. Morning Star Meal Starters have been my number one source of protein so far and there are many things you can do with them. I am still in the research and experimenting stage. I have been experimenting with this for a couple of months. After the first couple of weeks I could definitely tell the difference in my digestive system. In January of 2006 when I found myself having complications from my past hernia and blockage surgeries, I realized I could no longer have protein days. Eating green veggies with the protein servings helped. Eating less meat made me realized maybe my system would prefer not to have it at all. So I am striving to eat none at all. If anyone has any advice, suggestions or comments on the vegetarian/vegan lifestyle, please feel free to contact me.

 I’ve been blessed to become a new homeowner. The home buying process was definitely a process and it took a toll on me. During the time I was looking for a home, my current landlord took the air units from the duplex I was living in. He said the unit was not in working order. Not sure if I believe that, but the point is during some of the most humid and hot days of the year my children and I were stuck living in a place with no air and no ventilation – most of the windows would not let up. Talk about hot. A fan in every room and it was like stirring hot air around. Needless to say exercise in the house was out of the question. I did some walking in the evenings with a friend, but not enough to make a difference.

Now that things have settled down and my life has a modicum of peace, I am ready to get back in the life and get to moving. My life has no routine these days and that’s where I am looking to begin. Get a routine/plan – for exercise and eating. I remember when I first started with exercise. I walked in place while I watched TV. Back then that was all I could do. Now even though I’m not as big as I was then that’s all the motivation I have right now. So if all I can make myself do is march in place then that’s where I will start.

I’m back and need all the support I can get.

I posted this entry on my 360 blog. Thought it would work here too.

Anonymous Groups

I am never giving up this time. I continue to think back from where I am, where I was and where I went wrong before. I see the old patterns, but I recognize them this time. Some days are better than other, but I am thankful for everyday. There was a Hallmark commercial on the radio this morning. It was advertising a new line of cards, Journeys - new cards with real words for real life. Now I sound like I am endorsing them. They were giving samples are the cards and one spoke to me. I can't remember the exact words, but it was something like - "today being a mountain that you are strong enough to climb or ready to climb". Anyway I remember looking at their site and reading this one"Don't give up...you're not alone. Don't stop believing...so many people care. Don't ever forget how strong you really are….how very precious you are to God." Those words are me for me as well as anyone else that stumbles here and reads those words.

I went to the store yesterday and passed over the the can of cashews on sale for $2. The next aisle had my sf ice cream on sale for $2 and I wanted to . I am working my way back to plan the first step is no more sf ice cream and cans of cashews. Once I get that stuff out of my system I will be ready to get back to LFL. 

You know the saying? You deserve a cookie for your accomplishments. Well I deserve a cookie or something. Right? I don't believe in the food rewards so give me a  .

 The other part of my step by step plan is to get my exercise in order. It's coming along. 4 days last week of various workouts and so far this week I am moving - 30 gazelle minutes last night and 15 this morning. I will continue to exercise morning or night as long as I get it done.

I am not posting weights right now. Not because I don't want to, but my scale has chosen to die on me. I just replaced the battery and it worked for a few weeks now it's not working again. At first I was freaking out - I thought I really need to see my weight in the mornings.  I've decided it's a good thing. When I first started I did not have a scale. This forces me not to focus so much on my weight, but on getting myself back in gear doing the right things. I'm trying to see the positive in my $50 scale dying on me after 2 years.

Many of my wl friends are struggling with the same thing that I am dealing with. Our drive is not as strong as it once was. I have been fighting that spirit of complacency for a long time. For me starting at over 363 lbs and hurting everyday, I had more motivation to lose the weight. I had to learn to stop beating myself up over my inability to have that drive I had then. Right now I am working on my new motivation. The new motivators I posted was a start, but I don't read over those daily and maybe I should. I have been thinking of printing them on a 4X6 card and framing them for my room and desk. I know personally what happens if I quit out right and go back to my old ways. Not an option. So everyday I look at my heavier pictures and remind myself of what I don’t want until I am firm in what I do want. For now it’s a matter of this  vs. that for me.

 My pastor keeps preaching on breakthrough and the messages have been for me. Strongholds are things that we are holding onto and not things that have a hold of us. Three simple words - LET IT GO! It's funny how I have become so determined not to eat sugar because I recognize that as a stronghold that I don't want in my life. Why can't I recognize and let go the other things that are hindering me? Like that spirit of complacency? That spirit of avoidance? The spirit of rationalization? I need to use the same mentality that I have so ingrained in my brain concerning sugar. It's a process and I will get there.

I am not sure where to start, but here goes. I have been away first from the computer due to being extremely busy at work then from myself because I seem to have lost my mind for a moment. My weekly blog has suffered. Its time to update. Time to move on and forward again. Have you ever had to talk to yourself? I mean really talk to yourself? Well that's what I found myself doing one day as I was driving. I said things such as "I am not going back to the other body – not going to happen”, “I will fight you on this – I’m not giving up this time”, "the things you are doing to yourself are not acceptable", "I'm tired of your rationalizing if you say one more time at least I am not eating sugar I will scream”, “As if chips are part of your healthy WOL", "you have worked too hard to lose it now", "I love you and I'm not going to let you do this". Call me crazy, but I have had to say some things to myself that others won't say. I've been hearing, “It won’t kill you to eat ________”, “You deserve a break”. A break from what? My lifestyle change? Well a break would mean changing my lifestyle.

 I called this entry "A Moment of Truth" because I have faced more than one moment in the past couple of months. Maybe I should change that to "moments of truths". First, my exercise is suffering - seriously suffering. My boss asked me today "what happened?" and honestly I don't know. It started with one day I was too tired. The next I was too busy and day after that I wasn't feeling well. Too many of those days added up and the exercise habit I worked hard to create was gone. I have made a decision. No more 1,000 minutes of month challenges. I feel like I am starting back at the very beginning and so that's where I decided to start. My goal is: at least 30 minutes at least 4/5 days a week. No excuses - NONE!  Anytime my exercise suffers for a period of time my eating becomes lax. I can't seem to do one without the other. It seems it's all or nothing for me and I can't accept nothing.

 I am still struggling with taking my vitamins everyday to get my iron level back up. If I refuse to take the iron pills then I need to at least take my vitamins. Someone needs to slap me around. This is serious and I know this. My energy level is suffering interfering with my exercise. After talking it over with a friend, I came up with a solution that is working as of Oct 31st. Now my meals consist of breakfast (a protein, fruit or grain and vitamins), lunch & dinner (protein, fruit, veggie, and vitamins). They are now part of my menu. My meals are not complete with my vitamins. So when I pack meals daily meals I get my vitamins too.

 One last decision I have made during this time is that I am going to stop striving for a magical number on the scale and enjoy where I am today. I have a weight loss friend that I talk to via phone periodically. We have talked at lengths about this before, but I wasn't ready to hear it. We talked again last week and I told her everything that has been going on with me. Again we talked about my current size - smaller than I was in high school for one. Secondly, I am really happy with my size why not enjoy it. The advice to stop and enjoy where I am came from her. She suggested that I won't let myself be happy because I am continually stressing and striving to see a number on the scale that may not be meant for me. 170 is no longer my weight goal. For all the time I stopped exercising and not eating strictly lowcarb, my weight crept up and stayed within the range of 200-203. Over 2 weeks and my body stayed the same daily. It seems my body can maintain a certain weight without watching everything that I eat and without killing myself with exercise. Other than a day or two here and there, the only regular exercise I was getting was during my praise dance practices - every Monday and 1st & 3rd Saturdays between 1.5 to 2 hrs long. 203 is not the number I am willing to accept so I have to act like it. Now with exercise and eating properly, I am sure I can maintain a weight of 185 -maybe 180, but not 170. Physically I don't want to overdo it again and end up back in the hospital, but I can't completely stop either. There is a middle ground and that's where I started and it worked just fine for me. I don't need the Taebo workout or the stomach crunches to be physically fit. There are some parts of my body that will never be completely toned due to surgeries and I am okay with that.

 The New You knows how to deal with setbacks and get back on the wagon. And after all, there are no mistakes, just learning experiences. Weight loss is a process — it takes time. You will encounter small failures — everyone does — but every pound you gain can be lost.

I have read this quote from my last entry and it's true. The "new me" does know how to deal with setbacks. I think my problem is for a period of time the new me got lost for whatever reason. Today I am going to say the reason is not the important thing. The important thing is that I started over Tuesday October 31st and I intend to stay on track. Being disconnected from the internet has made me more dependent on God in my weight loss journey. I am still not able to get online as I once did. I miss my weight loss support friends, but I have to be able to do this without them. I only have access at work and I need to limit the time I am on the boards. Leading my Sunday school class on "Expressing Gratitude in Prayer" brought some things to my remembrance. I thank God for keeping me even when I seem to forget to take care of myself. I thank Him for brand new mercy everyday. I thank Him for my journal. I have read through it and taken my own advice. Someone asked me a question one day. What would you tell someone who has tried to lose weight before and failed? My answer:

• Take it one day at a time and sometimes that means minute by minute hour by hour.
• Don’t focus on past failures unless you can use what you have done wrong in the past as learning tools.
• One slip, binge, unplanned meal shouldn’t ruin your day or journey. Deal with it and continue on.
• Make this a lifestyle change.
• One of Lean for Life’s main principles is “Eat Better, Move More and Stress Less”. Striving to do those daily will keep one on track to living a healthier life.
• Pick a plan, whether it’s one you make on your own or a plan such as Lean for Life, and just do it.
• Don’t forget the exercise. Find something you like. I am not an outdoors person and I am not a coordinated person. Walk Away the Pounds is perfect for me -easy to follow and effective.

 Great tips if I must say so myself so why don’t I continue to follow them. I do hope I can manage to continue to post weekly to this journal. It helps me with my focus. Isn’t it great that you don’t have to worry about yesterdays? They are gone to never return. A new day, a new beginning.

I have beento my desk lately. We have been doing regional meetings traveling throughout the state. After next week things should return to normal. Septmember was not a great month for me. I ended with 286 exercise minutes . I am working on getting my energy level back to normal. My number one priority is getting back on track with my vitamins. I either need to go back to my checklist or get me a pill box of some sort. Weightwise I am up to 194. Have been for two weeks now. I can't complain since planwise I am not being real strict right now. Keeping lowcarb, but not strict to Lean for Life. After I finish with the trainings, I am planning to get back in full gear. It's been hard to stay on track with conducting meetings and not having access to a refrigerator or not being in control of the food that's served.

I got this message in an email this morning and thought I would share. I believe in a new day, new beginnings, new mercy, new start. During these past few weeks I have said to myself that even though I am not losing weight I still have my new mindset. I am not in danger of the old me taking over. I have learned my lesson. As my pastor said Sunday, there is a purpose for hard times, trials and struggles. Learn your lesson the first time so that you don't have to repeat it.  

Getting Back on the Wagon

It happens — you miss a few workouts and you feel like your weight-loss plan is totally derailed. It's tempting to mentally slap yourself around, right? Before you start, I want you to remind yourself of something. Being hard on yourself is the Old You.

The New You knows how to deal with setbacks and get back on the wagon. And after all, there are no mistakes, just learning experiences. Weight loss is a process — it takes time. You will encounter small failures — everyone does — but every pound you gain can be lost.

And if you miss a workout, it's not the end of the world! Get to the gym the next day and continue to focus on your short-term goals. Just because you made bad choices today doesn't mean you can't start over tomorrow. New day? New beginning. And don't you forget it.